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Scene 13
The Knights of Ni
[spooky music]
[music stops]
HEAD KNIGHT OF NI:Ni!
KNIGHTS OF NI:Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
ARTHUR:Who are you?
HEAD KNIGHT:We are the Knights Who Say... 'Ni'!
RANDOM:Ni!
ARTHUR:No! Not the Knights Who Say 'Ni'!
HEAD KNIGHT:The same!
BEDEVERE:Who are they?
HEAD KNIGHT:We are the keepers of the sacred words: 'Ni', 'Peng', and 'Neee-wom'!
RANDOM:Neee-wom!
ARTHUR:Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale.
HEAD KNIGHT:The Knights Who Say 'Ni' demand a sacrifice.
ARTHUR:Knights of Ni, we are but simple travellers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods.
HEAD KNIGHT:Ni!
KNIGHTS OF NI:Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!...
ARTHUR:Ow! Ow! Ow! Agh!
HEAD KNIGHT:We shall say 'ni' again to you if you do not appease us.
ARTHUR:Well, what is it you want?
HEAD KNIGHT:We want... a shrubbery!
[dramatic chord]
ARTHUR:A what?
KNIGHTS OF NI:Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
ARTHUR and PARTY:Ow! Oh!
ARTHUR:Please! Please! No more! We will find you a shrubbery.
HEAD KNIGHT:You must return here with a shrubbery, or else, you will never pass through this wood... alive.
ARTHUR:O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery.
HEAD KNIGHT:One that looks nice.
ARTHUR:Of course.
HEAD KNIGHT:And not too expensive.
ARTHUR:Yes.
HEAD KNIGHT:Now... go!
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Scene 19
The knights who no longer say 'ni'
ARTHUR:O Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now?
HEAD KNIGHT:It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly,... but there is one small problem.
ARTHUR:What is that?
HEAD KNIGHT:We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say 'Ni'.
KNIGHTS OF NI:Ni! Shh!
HEAD KNIGHT:Shh! We are now the Knights Who Say 'Ecky- ecky- ecky- ecky- pikang- zoop- boing- goodem- zoo- owli- zhiv'.
RANDOM:Ni!
HEAD KNIGHT:Therefore, we must give you a test.
ARTHUR:What is this test, O Knights of-- knights who till recently said 'ni'?
HEAD KNIGHT:Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery!
[dramatic chord]
ARTHUR:Not another shrubbery!
RANDOM:Ni!
HEAD KNIGHT:Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get the two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.
KNIGHTS OF NI:A path! A path! A path! Ni! Shh! Ni! Ni! Ni! Shh! Shh!...
HEAD KNIGHT:Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring!
[dramatic chord]
KNIGHTS OF NI:A herring!
ARTHUR:We shall do no such thing!
HEAD KNIGHT:Oh, please!
ARTHUR:Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done.
KNIGHTS OF NI:Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT:Augh! Ohh! Don't say that word.
ARTHUR:What word?
HEAD KNIGHT:I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words the Knights of Ni cannot hear.
ARTHUR:How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?
KNIGHTS OF NI:Aaaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT:You said it again!
ARTHUR:What, 'is'?
KNIGHTS OF NI:Agh! No, not 'is'.
HEAD KNIGHT:No, not 'is'. You wouldn't get vary far in life not saying 'is'.
KNIGHTS OF NI:No, not 'is'. Not 'is'.
BEDEVERE:My liege, it's Sir Robin!
MINSTREL: [singing]
He is packing it in and packing it up
And sneaking away and buggering up
And chickening out and pissing off home,
Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge.
ARTHUR:Sir Robin!
ROBIN:My liege! It's good to see you.
HEAD KNIGHT:Now he's said the word!
ARTHUR:Surely you've not given up your quest for the Holy Grail?
MINSTREL: [singing]
He is sneaking away and buggering up--
ROBIN:Shut up! No, no. No. Far from it.
HEAD KNIGHT:He said the word again!
KNIGHTS OF NI:Aaaaugh!
ROBIN:I was looking for it.
KNIGHTS OF NI:Aaaaugh!
ROBIN:Uh, here-- here in this forest.
ARTHUR:No, it is far from this place.
KNIGHTS OF NI:Aaaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT:Aaaaugh! Stop saying the word! The word...
ARTHUR:Oh, stop it!
HEAD KNIGHT:...we cannot hear! Ow! He said it again!
ARTHUR:Patsy!
HEAD KNIGHT:Wait! I said it! I said it!
[clop clop clop]
Ooh! I said it again! And there again! That's three 'it's! Ohh!
KNIGHTS OF NI:Aaaaugh!...
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