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Scene 8
The French castle / wooden rabbit
ARTHUR:Halt!
[horn]
Hallo!
[pause]
Hallo!
FRENCH GUARD:Allo! Who is eet?
ARTHUR:It is King Arthur, and these are my Knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this?
FRENCH GUARD:This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard.
ARTHUR:Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.
FRENCH GUARD:Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. Uh, he's already got one, you see.
ARTHUR:What?
GALAHAD:He says they've already got one!
ARTHUR:Are you sure he's got one?
FRENCH GUARD:Oh, yes. It's very nice-a. (I told him we already got one.)
FRENCH GUARDS:[chuckling]
ARTHUR:Well, u-- um, can we come up and have a look?
FRENCH GUARD:Of course not! You are English types-a!
ARTHUR:Well, what are you, then?
FRENCH GUARD:I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king-a?!
GALAHAD:What are you doing in England?
FRENCH GUARD:Mind your own business!
ARTHUR:If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force!
FRENCH GUARD:You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur King, you and all your silly English k-nnnnniggets. Thpppppt! Thppt! Thppt!
GALAHAD:What a strange person.
ARTHUR:Now look here, my good man--
FRENCH GUARD:I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
GALAHAD:Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
FRENCH GUARD:No. Now, go away, or I shall taunt you a second time-a!
[sniff]
ARTHUR:Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable.
FRENCH GUARD:(Fetchez la vache.)
OTHER FRENCH GUARD:Quoi?
FRENCH GUARD:(Fetchez la vache!)
[mooo]
ARTHUR:If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall--
[twong]
[mooooooo]
Jesus Christ!
KNIGHTS:Christ!
[thud]
Ah! Ohh!
ARTHUR:Right! Charge!
KNIGHTS:Charge![mayhem]
FRENCH GUARD:Hey, this one is for your mother! There you go.[mayhem]
FRENCH GUARD:And this one's for your dad!
ARTHUR:Run away!
KNIGHTS:Run away!
FRENCH GUARD:Thppppt!
FRENCH GUARDS:[taunting]
LAUNCELOT:Fiends! I'll tear them apart!
ARTHUR:No, no. No, no.
BEDEVERE:Sir! I have a plan, sir.
[later]
[wind]
[saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw]
[clunk]
[bang]
[rewr!]
[squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak]
[rrrr rrrr rrrr]
[drilllll]
[sawwwww]
[clunk]
[crash]
[clang]
[squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak...]
[creak]
FRENCH GUARDS: [whispering]
C'est un lapin, lapin de bois. Quoi? Un cadeau. What? A present. Oh, un cadeau. Oui, oui. Hurry. What? Let's go. Oh. On y va. Bon magne. Over here...
[squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak...]
[clllank]
ARTHUR:What happens now?
BEDEVERE:Well, now, uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I, uh, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French, uh, by surprise. Not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!
ARTHUR:Who leaps out?
BEDEVERE:U-- u-- uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I, uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh, and uh...
ARTHUR:Ohh.
BEDEVERE:Oh. Um, l-- look, i-- i-- if we built this large wooden badger--
[clank]
[twong]
ARTHUR:Run away!
KNIGHTS:Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away!
[CRASH]
FRENCH GUARDS:Oh, haw haw haw haw! Haw! Haw haw heh...
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Scene 24
The Castle Aaaagh
ARTHUR:Launcelot! Launcelot! Launcelot!
BEDEVERE:Launcelot! Launcelot!
ARTHUR:
Launcelot!
[police radio]
Launcelot!
BEDEVERE:Launcelot! Launcelot!
[angels sing]
[singing stops]
[ethereal music]
ARTHUR:The Castle Aaaagh. Our quest is at an end!
God be praised! Almighty God, we thank Thee that Thou hast vouchsafed to us the most holy--
[twong]
[baaaa]
Jesus Christ!
[thud]
FRENCH GUARD:Allo, dappy English k-niggets and Monsieur Arthur King, who has the brain of a duck, you know. So, we French fellows outwit you a second time!
ARTHUR:How dare you profane this place with your presence! I command you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot, to open the doors of this sacred castle, to which God Himself has guided us!
FRENCH GUARD:How you English say, 'I one more time, mac, unclog my nose in your direction', sons of a window-dresser!
So, you think you could out-clever us French folk with your silly knees-bent running about advancing behavior?! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you cheesy lot of second hand electric donkey-bottom biters.
ARTHUR:In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred castle!
FRENCH GUARD:No chance, English bed-wetting types. I burst my pimples at you and call your door-opening request a silly thing, you tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!
ARTHUR:If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by force!
[splat]
In the name of God and the glory of our--
[splat]
FRENCH GUARDS:[laughing]
ARTHUR:Agh. Right! That settles it!
FRENCH GUARD:Yes, depart a lot at this time and cut the approaching any more, or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of your testicles already! Ha ha haaa ha!
ARTHUR:Walk away. Just ignore them.
FRENCH GUARD:And now, remain gone, illegitimate-faced bugger-folk! And, if you think you got a nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet, dappy English k-nnniggets! Thpppt!
FRENCH GUARDS:[taunting]
ARTHUR:We shall attack at once!
BEDEVERE:Yes, my liege!
ARTHUR:Stand by for attack!
[exciting music]
[music stops]
[silence]
French persons!
FRENCH GUARDS:[taunting] ...Dappy!...
ARTHUR:Today the blood of many a valiant knight shall be avenged. In the name of God,...
FRENCH GUARDS:Hoo hoo! Ohh, ha ha ha ha ha!...
ARTHUR:...we shall not stop our fight till each one of you lies dead and the Holy Grail returns to those whom God has chosen!
FRENCH GUARDS:...Ha ha ha!...
ARTHUR:Charge!
ARMY OF KNIGHTS:Hooray!
[police siren]
HISTORIAN'S WIFE:Yes, they're the ones. I'm sure.
INSPECTOR:Come on. Anybody armed must go, too.
OFFICER #1:All right. Come on. Back.
HISTORIAN'S WIFE:Get that one.
OFFICER #1:Back. Right away. Just... pull it off. Come on. Come along.
INSPECTOR:Put this man in the van.
OFFICER #1:Clear off. Come on.
BEDEVERE:With whom?
INSPECTOR:Which one?
OFFICER #1:Oh-- this one.
INSPECTOR:Come on. Put him in the van.
OFFICER #2:Get a blanket.
OFFICER #1:We have no hospital.
RANDOM:Ahh.
[squeak]
RANDOM:Ooh.
OFFICER #1:Come on. Back. Riiight back. Come on!
OFFICER #2:Run along! Run along!
OFFICER #1:Pull that off. My, that's an offensive weapon, that is.
OFFICER #2:Come on. Back with 'em. Back. Right. Come along.
INSPECTOR:Everything?
[squeak]
OFFICER #1:All right, sonny. That's enough. Just pack that in.
[crash]
CAMERAMAN:Christ!
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