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Scene One:
ARTHUR:It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!
SOLDIER #1:Pull the other one!
ARTHUR:I am,... and this is my trusty servant Patsy.We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
SOLDIER #1:What? Ridden on a horse?
ARTHUR:Yes!
SOLDIER #1:You're using coconuts!
ARTHUR:What?
SOLDIER #1:You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.
ARTHUR:So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through--
SOLDIER #1:Where'd you get the coconuts?
ARTHUR:We found them.
SOLDIER #1:Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!
ARTHUR:What do you mean?
SOLDIER #1:Well, this is a temperate zone.
ARTHUR:The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?
SOLDIER #1:Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
ARTHUR:Not at all. They could be carried.
SOLDIER #1:What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
ARTHUR:It could grip it by the husk!
SOLDIER #1:It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.
ARTHUR:Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?
SOLDIER #1:Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?
ARTHUR:Please!
SOLDIER #1:Am I right?
ARTHUR:I'm not interested!
SOLDIER #2:It could be carried by an African swallow!
SOLDIER #1:Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow. That's my point.
SOLDIER #2:Oh, yeah, I agree with that.
ARTHUR:Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?!
SOLDIER #1:But then of course a-- African swallows are non-migratory.
SOLDIER #2:Oh, yeah.
SOLDIER #1:So, they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway.
SOLDIER #2:Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together?
SOLDIER #1:No, they'd have to have it on a line.
SOLDIER #2:Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!
SOLDIER #1:What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
SOLDIER #2:Well, why not?
Scene Three:
ARTHUR:Old woman!
DENNIS:Man!
Scene Four:
ARTHUR:Eh. You are indeed brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine.
BLACK KNIGHT:Oh, had enough, eh?
ARTHUR:Look, you stupid bastard. You've got no arms left.
Scene Five:
MONKS: [chanting]
Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.
[bonk]
Pie Iesu domine,...
[bonk]
...dona eis requiem.
[bonk]
Pie Iesu domine,...
[bonk]
...dona eis requiem
Scene Six:
KNIGHTS: [singing]
We're Knights of the Round Table.
We dance whene'er we're able.
We do routines and chorus scenes
With footwork impeccable.
We dine well here in Camelot.
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot.
[dancing]
We're Knights of the Round Table.
Our shows are formidable,
But many times we're given rhymes
That are quite unsingable.
We're opera mad in Camelot.
We sing from the diaphragm a lot.
[tap-dancing]
In war we're tough and able,
Quite indefatigable.
Between our quests we sequin vests and impersonate Clark Gable.
It's a busy life in Camelot.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
ARTHUR:Well, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.
Scene Eight:
FRENCH GUARD:I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king-a?!
You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur King, you and all your silly English k-nnnnniggets. Thpppppt! Thppt! Thppt!
I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
Scene Ten:
MINSTREL: [singing]
Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot.
He was not afraid to die, O brave Sir Robin.
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways,
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin!
He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken,
To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin!
His head smashed in and his heart cut out
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged
And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off
And his pen--
Scene Seventeen:
LAUNCELOT:Excuse me. Could, uh-- could somebody give me a push, please?
Scene Eighteen:
ROGER:Yes. Shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is 'Roger the Shrubber'. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.
Scene Nineteen:
ARTHUR:O Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now?
HEAD KNIGHT:It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly,... but there is one small problem.
ARTHUR:What is that?
HEAD KNIGHT:We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say 'Ni'.
KNIGHTS OF NI:Ni! Shh!
HEAD KNIGHT:Shh! We are now the Knights Who Say 'Ecky- ecky- ecky- ecky- pikang- zoop- boing- goodem- zoo- owli- zhiv'.
Scene Twenty:
TIM:Follow. But! Follow only if ye be men of valour, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth.
Scene Twentyone:
GALAHAD:They're nervous, sire.
ARTHUR:Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot. Dis-mount!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
TIM:I warned you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well, it's always the same. I always tell them--
Scene Twentytwo:
MAYNARD:It reads, 'Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Arimathea. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Grail in the Castle of aaaaaagggh'
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
NARRATOR:As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape for Arthur and his knights seemed hopeless, when suddenly, the animator suffered a fatal heart attack.
ANIMATOR:Ulk! [thump]
Scene Twentyfour:
ARTHUR:Stand by for attack!
[exciting music]
[music stops]
[silence]
French persons!
FRENCH GUARDS:[taunting] ...Dappy!...
ARTHUR:Today the blood of many a valiant knight shall be avenged. In the name of God,...
FRENCH GUARDS:Hoo hoo! Ohh, ha ha ha ha ha!...
ARTHUR:...we shall not stop our fight till each one of you lies dead and the Holy Grail returns to those whom God has chosen!
FRENCH GUARDS:...Ha ha ha!...
ARTHUR:Charge!
ARMY OF KNIGHTS:Hooray![police siren]
HISTORIAN'S WIFE:Yes, they're the ones. I'm sure.
INSPECTOR:Come on. Anybody armed must go, too...
CAMERAMAN:Christ!
~THE END~
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